Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | October 7, 2015

Closed chapters

I’m in the eye of the hurricane. It’s quiet and serene but I know when I come out, my entire life will be driftwood dashed on the rocks. This year has crashed into me and pulled me into the undertow.

I drove away from Seattle six months ago with a lot of uncertainty. I spent my last morning curled up in the arms of my person and left with tears in my eyes for the next two hundred miles. I left without a home, a job, and with an uneasiness as to whether I would wake up next to him again. This was supposed to be a time to retreat and come back into the battle fortified and triumphant.

I have six weeks left here.

I’m coming back covered in battle scars and blood. I feel raw and I can’t tell if I will break down with my fists clenched screaming into the darkness or if I will just collapse in a ball and cry. I’m coming back to no job, no savings, and no home. After six and a half years, I won’t be coming back to curl up in the arms of my person.

I feel defeated.

I’ve crawled from the ashes a few times in my life and this has been the hardest one to come back from. I have never felt this drained or so low but I have a battle in front of me. I need to wrap the battle scars and put my armor on. This Shield Maiden has been called back to the fight.

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Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | September 23, 2012

What I meant to say…

What I meant to say could have filled all the spots in between the stars tonight. Instead all I could get out was some mumblings about you explaining football to me and that I would see you Monday. Sometimes going backwards takes you forward which seems so very wrong. My ship hasn’t ever really known smooth sailing but when it has you were always guiding the course. You are my person and, especially after this last month, I have now known more than ever that you are where I want to be. The past can’t be rewritten. All the scars and battle damage remain where they landed. No matter how much you try, the stories of how they got there remain. All I can hope for is moving forward with you holding my hand. When I think of you, I think of autumn leaves and warm smells. I think of beautiful, crisp clear nights curled up with my head on your shoulder and your fingers entangled with mine. In my head we are in an old movie. A crisp night with a chill in the air, a giant field with depression era circus tents and lanterns, the smell of autumn leaves, sawdust and caramel apples. You and me slow dancing under the stars. You are my one in five billion and I don’t know if you ever really have known that. When I say have a good night, what I meant to say was, ” Don’t go. I love you. “

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | July 22, 2012

Chapter 13: Where our heroine for a brief moment was an Amazon Warrior

On June 23rd, I participated in my first marathon. I almost didn’t finish because of my leg cramping up and a minor pull in my hip flexor. It was one of the most intense experience of my life. As I walked, it felt like I was barely moving, towards that finish line I felt so many things. It was raining and my hands were numb from how cold it was, my blood sugar had dropped, the runner’s high was going at full force, and right near the finish line was the boy. I finished in 6:57 minutes. I could barely get my legs to move enough to get up stairs, I was starving, I couldn’t open my banana or my Gatorade, but there was the boy. He let me cling to him and helped me into the car. He was there for my biggest accomplishment in life and that made me smile. I was smelly, exhausted, and hungrier than I think I had ever been in my life. In spite of my legs feeling like Jello and the desire to sleep forever, I felt like a grade a Amazonian Warrior bad ass.

I need to figure out a way to bottle that feeling and bring it out when I need the lift. Admittedly, I have felt a bit defeated the last few weeks. We still have not found a new roommate, I’m behind on everything, and I am still broke while working two jobs. I need to run again. I need to hit that point of wanting to give up but continuing to push forward. I need to challenge myself and figure out how to make myself feel that strong and brave again.

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | May 19, 2012

Harsh Realms

It has been a very long week. Last Friday I got fired from my job I had been at for 3 years. It felt like the end of a relationship or a marriage. After a few hours of panic filled chest pain, I pulled myself up off the floor and my puddle of tears and started making the backup plan and started to figure out how to get through this. I spent hours on craigslist applying for jobs, sucked it up and talked to my church about help with rent, and called the man for emotional support. Most of this went as planned except for the last part. I broke down crying and said I was still in love with him, that I regretted everything that I did that lead to us being so broken and that I didn’t want to leave. I curled up and collapsed and cried. The entire time all of this was happening, the soundtrack in my head kept going back to song lyrics by Tom Gabel. “I’m waking up in night terrors/Can’t stop the future/Keeps pushing me ahead/I feel the weight of the world crushing down on me/And time seems so linear/Decisions seem so absolute/Yeah it’s a harsh realm/Yeah it’s a harsh realm/Don’t abandon me/Don’t abandon me”.

I’m going to be ok. I am going to pull through this. I will be working before I know it and back on my feet and wondering how I got through this last bit. I am a work in progress. I am a beautiful trainwreck. At the end of the day I am a lotus or the tree from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I grow in the deepest mud and the cracks in the sidewalk and I become beautiful.

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | February 28, 2012

Once again the man with the hat wrote out my thoughts…

I spent 3 hours today doing resentment filled cleaning in the house. I don’t own a pet of my own. It was a choice I made awhile ago because I knew I did not have the time or resources to dedicate to any other breathing thing besides myself. Both my roommates have dogs. Normally this is fine but when I end up endlessly sweeping up enough dog hair to create my own Wookie and spend 45 minutes cleaning dog snot off the window I get a bit irritated. This is how I spent my afternoon. In the middle of all of the cleaning a new Jason Mraz song came on the music station and made me stop in my tracks and I cried. It felt like he had stolen a page out of my journal and phrased it far more beautifully than I ever could.

It has been almost 8 months since everything happened with the man. I miss him everyday and when I do get to see him I just want to tell him I love him and that he is home for me. I’m not giving up on me. I’m not giving up on him or on “us”. I am a better woman and a stronger person for having been loved by him. Things got so broken and lost because of me and I want nothing more than a mad man in a blue box to come and help me fix it but it is up to me. When I run it is my time with myself and all I can think of these days is where I want to be and what I want more than anything is for him to be part of that picture. I am capable and strong and independent. I don’t need a man to complete me but I want this one because once my heart found his I never wanted to leave. So here I am 8 months later reflecting on standing in my living room crying to Jason Mraz because he summed up everything I want to say. Here are the lyrics to ” I Won’t Give Up”

I Won’t Give Up- Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we didn’t tend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
I’m still looking up

I won’t give up on us
God knows I’m tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | February 12, 2012

Running is a lot like an AA meeting

This morning was the first time I got up before daylight to go on the Saturday morning run with the group. I found we have a name. Sunny with a chance of Awesome. It made me smile. As we all gathered around in a big circle before the run a lady got up to speak. It occurred to me as she began that running with the team was a lot like an AA meeting. Every person there has a story about how the disease ( AA it is alcohol, here it is cancer) has touched their lives. Her story was tough. She had lost a friend named John to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and her brother-in-law was currently fighting a battle with cancer. The brother-in-law’s name was also John and he was kicking cancer’s ass. We ran in honor of the Johns today. As the sun started coming up over the lake in Freemont, our run began.

The plan today was to run for 40 minutes. One major advantage of running is the fact that I can’t cry and run at the same time. On September 22, 2010 , my friend Kenny Stites lost his battle with cancer. It wasn’t the same cancer as what I am running for but cancer is cancer and it needs to be cured. Kenny was a bad ass. Not in the macho fake kind of way but in the Chuck Norris should be taking notes kind of way. The way he lived and the way he handled his fight with cancer will always be a huge inspiration as to how I should live my life. I can only hope when I am gone off this rock I call home that I am a quarter of the person he was. All of this was going through my head this morning as I ran. Kenny has been in my thoughts all day. I have been asked why I am running a marathon after never being active or being a runner. The answer is both simple and complex. I am running for myself. I am running because I am tired of being fat. I am running because I want to see what I am made of and what I am capable of. If 26.2 miles doesn’t show myself what I am made of then I am not sure what will. I am running in memory of Kenny. I want people to have a reminder of him. Even if I am the only one that gets the reminder. Somewhere I hope he knows how inspirational he has been. I don’t know exactly what is out there when you die but I refuse to believe that Kenny is just gone. The way he lived his life is a reminder to all of us not to waste who we are and what we have. Last but not least, I am running to raise money for cancer research. In my lifetime it will no doubt be an ongoing battle but hopefully many years from now a cure will be found. My hope is that a spark of research today lights the fire that destroys cancer later. Kenny, if you are up there somewhere, this run is for you.

 

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | February 2, 2012

I wanna go fast

I have never been a runner. The only things in life I ran from were confrontation, relationships where I wasn’t treated badly, and responsible/sensible choices. I decided to run a marathon for cancer research. I can’t say really what brought this on but I feel good about this. For the first time in my life I bought expensive shoes that weren’t built for strippers or to be worn with lingerie. I ran last night. I ran in the slight rain and in the dark. I ran three miles and granted, I would sprint a bit, feel like I was having my chest explode then end up walking shortly after but I did it. I kept focusing on the cold air stinging my lungs, on the feeling of my calf muscles tensing when my foot would come down to meet the earth, and the feeling of freedom. I feel like this is a beginning. Not just because I will come out of this hotter than I ever have in my adult life but because I will also come out of this stronger than I ever have in my adult life.

I keep thinking about this marathon as a metaphor for my life. I go about life and problems the way I go about running. I burn out too fast and don’t see it through. I don’t breathe. It is time to be done with that. I will breathe. I will trust my body and I will be amazed at what it can do. I will marvel in my own strength and I will enjoy the clarity and the silence that running will give me. My brain will shut off and it will just be me counting music beats and footfalls on the ground. It will be me completing something big. It will be me, victorious and strong on the other side. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have run from so many things. This time I am running to something. I am running to a stronger me

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | January 26, 2012

Let the rain fall down

It is raining tonight. The kind of rain I wish I had a tin roof so I could hear it fall down like a melody. It makes me miss curling up in bed with my big spoon with the slight breeze coming through the cracked window. I miss his smell and how warm he was.

Rain is very cleansing and relaxing. It has been an interesting start to 2012. I feel like I am on the verge of something big. There is an overwhelming feeling that anytime now I will figure out what it is I am supposed to be doing

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | December 26, 2011

All I wanted for Christmas was for my family to be on Hoarders…

Yesterday was Christmas. My plan was to go watch The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and get take out. I was going to get through a Christmas without a mental breakdown and without wanting to disown the holiday. I failed to achieve these goals this year. I woke up and felt good. The day was full of promise and I had a plan. I went to the grocery store and got munchies for later in the day. I called my mom to wish her Merry Christmas and that is where the day went downhill. Christmas was a bust before 10am. My mom told me that she will not be doing Hoarders and that they can do this on their own. She said it would be an easy way to do things and that we didn’t need that. I was crushed. Every member of the family has issues that we need help with but none of us can afford therapy. Hoarders would have given us that. I informed my mom that whatever I still had in their house has not been mine for years and that I am just giving up and realizing I will never see anything there again. My mom switched the subject. It made me sad. I spent the rest of the day going to the movie and getting takeout and then I broke down. I spent my evening fighting tears on my couch.

When I split with my boyfriend in July, I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t know if I would still have him around or if he would be still here. He has been around and I still love him very much. Last night he texted to ask how Christmas was going. I unloaded about my mom and he said he was coming over. I thought I would spend this Christmas being independent and ok being alone. I instead spent it having a mental breakdown and having my ex-boyfriend ride in and save me. Last night he proved why I still love him and why I want him back. All I hope is that out of all of this my relationship with my family can recover and maybe by this time next year he will no longer be my ex

Posted by: delicatelikenapalm | December 19, 2011

December Blues

December and I have a complicated relationship. Big changes and times of turmoil in my life seem to happen in December. My Grandmother died near Christmas my first year of college, the separation that lead to my divorce happened in December, and now the great family shakeup of 2011 can be added to this list. I knew my family was different when I was a child but I always just chalked that up to every family is different. My parents are hoarders. They keep things that most people would just throw away. I recognize these tendencies in myself and it scares me sometimes. Each time I go back to visit Idaho my parents’ house gets worse. Anyone who knows me knows of my love of trash reality tv. Especially the show Hoarders. I am always pulling for these families to pull it together and get their houses clean and live in order. My dad called the show and applied. They called back. My family is now in a point of seeing if people are on board and if Hoarders thinks we are what they are looking for. I am shocked my dad did this. I think for all the embarrassment this could cause the family, a lot of good could come from this. The entire family needs therapy. I know everyone says that about their families but mine has never worked together on anything. We are a family by blood only. We have moments where I hope we can really be a family but then it goes away. I keep rotating between being furious and crying a lot. This whole experience has dug up so much in terms of past feelings and emotions. I want this house clean. Not just the physical house but the emotional one. I want to be a close family. Not just me being close to different parts of the family but us as a whole being close.

I feel like I could not have handled this two years ago. I feel like I am coming into my own and becoming a new person. I want to look at this next December and be able to say that I am strong and unshakeable, that I am independent and amazing, and above all else, I want to be able to have a December where I don’t look back and regret not being stronger in the face of trying times

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